I need to stop coming to work sober
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
