I'm going to rape someone's good day.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
