i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
