Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
