I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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