So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
