Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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