im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
If that was your dad, he is hot
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Randomize
