i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
