Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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