dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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