Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
