Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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