Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
there is puke in my bra ... again
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
