hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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