So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
me + whiskey = a bad person
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Randomize
