Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
