Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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