I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
