After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize