I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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