so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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