Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
