I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
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