If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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