The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Quick, to the slutcave!
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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