If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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