nut hugger
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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