Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
