you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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