i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I wear drunk well.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
