i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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