I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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