I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
