He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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