he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
BRING THE BAGELS
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
