i wish my penis had a tongue
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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