Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
