I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
