I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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