oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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