I can't breathe out the right side of my face
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize