2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
ok first of all what the fuck
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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