my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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