why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
