I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Sober January is a disaster.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
