So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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