I can text with my tongue
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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