I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
