It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Why is your signature on my underwear?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
