drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Randomize
