I will die if light touches me.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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