Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
