I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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