Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
