I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
