I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
