I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
