Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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